walking along the main avenue of the City a couple nights ago, little drops of rain alighting on my head and bouncing off my coat, too light to be called a proper rain, the drops pouring too copiously to be called a drizzle, i witnessed one of the phenomena that help define urbania where i live.
gurgling out of the sewers, a brownish muck began filling the street like an evil lovecraftian murk, swirling as it rose to cover the pavement as the horrified Citizens, as unfortunate as i was to be out on the streets that night, could do nothing but watch...
thinking about it now, i imagine nothing more morbid or horrific than a thousand or so people flushing their toilets at the exact same instant...
31.7.06
27.7.06
the Gay Man
just thought i'd point people still passing through here towards Dean Alfar's blog, where he's posted the uber-fun presentation on Mr. Gaiman and the First Philippine Graphic/Fiction Awards.
you can also check it out directly through YouTube. there's some other goody Gaimany stuff on there as well. and, of course, some other viddies of variable levels of notoriety, including all the eps of Evil Monkey's Monday Morning Show.
(see? ain't i a nice guy? i've done a lot of the work for you.)
the presentation was shown as a kind of introductory thing to the whole Unmasking event for the first Philippine Graphic/Fiction Awards last July 15, 2006. (as if there were any other July 15, 2006s. or were there?)
(see also related posts, if you haven't been there already. no, i'm not linking to those. you can just scroll down or check-out the sidebar. i'm not that nice. and you've got to do some things by yourself, haven't you?)
you can also check it out directly through YouTube. there's some other goody Gaimany stuff on there as well. and, of course, some other viddies of variable levels of notoriety, including all the eps of Evil Monkey's Monday Morning Show.
(see? ain't i a nice guy? i've done a lot of the work for you.)
the presentation was shown as a kind of introductory thing to the whole Unmasking event for the first Philippine Graphic/Fiction Awards last July 15, 2006. (as if there were any other July 15, 2006s. or were there?)
(see also related posts, if you haven't been there already. no, i'm not linking to those. you can just scroll down or check-out the sidebar. i'm not that nice. and you've got to do some things by yourself, haven't you?)
cheese factor number nine
sanity has been restored. blog activity has dropped back to near-normal levels (a certain cat still drops by every now and then, which is still more than this blog ever used to see), something that's been both a disappointment and a relief at the same time.
either way, my discovery of M. John Harrison's Nova Swing notwithstanding, the past few days have seen me suffering from blogger fatigue, and so i haven't really felt like putting my thoughts on anything up here.
however, every now and then an occasion pops-up in my personal life that restores a certain vitality to the proceedings, takes a bit of the unwanted edge off, and therefore, i feel, deserves comment.
the last month has been utterly bug-fuck crazy-hair for me, such that i've felt the need to create another refuge for myself elsewhere in cyberspace. it's been a whole lot of fun, mind you, but there are things that that kind of activity just cannot or otherwise does not help you deal with, and instead serves to bury them in the back of your mind, to ambush you in your most unguarded moments (which is generally when such things catch your attention in a meaningful and significant way, anyway).
thankfully, the last week has slowly brought things back to a kind of tranquility. back to zen.
there are people in your life that help define your world. they aren't necessarily or exactly a part of your life, no; everyone's much too busy with their own lives these days to be that. nonetheless, they help make your world, and without them, things just don't seem quite right.
a few of them had, despite the smallness of the world as viewed through the lens of the internet, and reflecting the true geographical size of it we tend to forget due to the illusion projected through that lens, disappeared from my "coverage area" for a significant amount of time. a couple of them just popped back into range.
when we get back together, just for an hour or two or three or seven, even after ages and aeons and other such hyperboles of time, it's as if those gaps never were, and after, everything seems as it should be. no problems are solved, disasters are not averted, no lives change course: world history is not defined by those moments.
and yet they are the most important things in the universe.
for having had such moments last night, i must say, i'm immensely pleased.
we don't see each other a lot anyway, but it's nice just knowing our area codes aren't that far away.
right, well, it isn't as if i didn't warn you.
either way, my discovery of M. John Harrison's Nova Swing notwithstanding, the past few days have seen me suffering from blogger fatigue, and so i haven't really felt like putting my thoughts on anything up here.
however, every now and then an occasion pops-up in my personal life that restores a certain vitality to the proceedings, takes a bit of the unwanted edge off, and therefore, i feel, deserves comment.
the last month has been utterly bug-fuck crazy-hair for me, such that i've felt the need to create another refuge for myself elsewhere in cyberspace. it's been a whole lot of fun, mind you, but there are things that that kind of activity just cannot or otherwise does not help you deal with, and instead serves to bury them in the back of your mind, to ambush you in your most unguarded moments (which is generally when such things catch your attention in a meaningful and significant way, anyway).
thankfully, the last week has slowly brought things back to a kind of tranquility. back to zen.
there are people in your life that help define your world. they aren't necessarily or exactly a part of your life, no; everyone's much too busy with their own lives these days to be that. nonetheless, they help make your world, and without them, things just don't seem quite right.
a few of them had, despite the smallness of the world as viewed through the lens of the internet, and reflecting the true geographical size of it we tend to forget due to the illusion projected through that lens, disappeared from my "coverage area" for a significant amount of time. a couple of them just popped back into range.
when we get back together, just for an hour or two or three or seven, even after ages and aeons and other such hyperboles of time, it's as if those gaps never were, and after, everything seems as it should be. no problems are solved, disasters are not averted, no lives change course: world history is not defined by those moments.
and yet they are the most important things in the universe.
for having had such moments last night, i must say, i'm immensely pleased.
we don't see each other a lot anyway, but it's nice just knowing our area codes aren't that far away.
right, well, it isn't as if i didn't warn you.
25.7.06
stoked
hadn't thought i'd be dropping by here in a while, but i must let it be known that i just found out that M. John Harrison's second book set in the Kearney-Tate-twisted universe first seen in Light will be coming out in November 2006.
you can read an excerpt of Nova Swing here.
i really must wrap up PKD's A Scanner Darkly soon, so i can get back to reading The Course of the Heart and maybe read Light over before the new book hits the shelves.
i just hope it actually hits the shelves, and stays on them, and not just sort of grazes the shelves only to slide off and disappear into the floor, such as what seemed to happen to Light.
same goes for Shriek, which is meant to hit shelves on August 8 (Titus Groan's birthday, incidentally).
also incidentally, this isn't to say that i'm not enjoying A Scanner Darkly. it's the best PKD book i've read so far, and i wonder why it took the impending arrival of the Linklater movie to finally push me into getting it.
i could, conceivably, read them all simultaneously, but it's difficult as i'm currently also digging into Borges' Ficciones, courtesy of Paul.
no wonder i've been misplacing my head lately.
you can read an excerpt of Nova Swing here.
i really must wrap up PKD's A Scanner Darkly soon, so i can get back to reading The Course of the Heart and maybe read Light over before the new book hits the shelves.
i just hope it actually hits the shelves, and stays on them, and not just sort of grazes the shelves only to slide off and disappear into the floor, such as what seemed to happen to Light.
same goes for Shriek, which is meant to hit shelves on August 8 (Titus Groan's birthday, incidentally).
also incidentally, this isn't to say that i'm not enjoying A Scanner Darkly. it's the best PKD book i've read so far, and i wonder why it took the impending arrival of the Linklater movie to finally push me into getting it.
i could, conceivably, read them all simultaneously, but it's difficult as i'm currently also digging into Borges' Ficciones, courtesy of Paul.
no wonder i've been misplacing my head lately.
21.7.06
cogitus interrrruptus
just yesterday i was ruminating on whether i needed SPAM protection on this blog and i thought, nah, i doubt it would attract that kind of attention. after all, i've been blogging since i first decided to truly pursue writing as a career (see skinnyblogcladdink version 1.0 over on the Friendster network) and i've never had that problem.
of course, i've never had people commenting on my blog before (here and in version 1.0). and not in the volumes that have been trafficking through this site a few days ago.
when i opened my mail this morning, my first response to all the "anonymous" comments on ver 2.0 was "hmm. creepy."
then i clicked on a link.
i had hoped i wouldn't have to turn the text verification thingy on... it can be fun trying to figure out the letters, but the scrolling can be annoying... (yes. i'm THAT lazy.)
but, alas, Earth, Inc. has come a-knocking.
back to cogitus.
of course, i've never had people commenting on my blog before (here and in version 1.0). and not in the volumes that have been trafficking through this site a few days ago.
when i opened my mail this morning, my first response to all the "anonymous" comments on ver 2.0 was "hmm. creepy."
then i clicked on a link.
i had hoped i wouldn't have to turn the text verification thingy on... it can be fun trying to figure out the letters, but the scrolling can be annoying... (yes. i'm THAT lazy.)
but, alas, Earth, Inc. has come a-knocking.
back to cogitus.
20.7.06
retreat
over the past few days, the activity on this blog has been unbelievable, owing mostly to the first Philippine Graphic/Fic Awards. SFF readers started swarming out of the woodwork to drop in their spare change, and some of more "literary" bg have dropped by as well...
(yes, i'm exaggerating, there are only about 2 or 3 really regular commenters on here, but apparently, that's enough to start a cascade.)
and it's come to this: something's come to my attention that has made me rethink my entire perspective of genre vs. literary fiction writing, and it's shaken me to the core.
intrigued? well, as with all things in real life, it isn't as dramatic as you'd expect.
but for now, i must cogitate.
(yes, i'm exaggerating, there are only about 2 or 3 really regular commenters on here, but apparently, that's enough to start a cascade.)
and it's come to this: something's come to my attention that has made me rethink my entire perspective of genre vs. literary fiction writing, and it's shaken me to the core.
intrigued? well, as with all things in real life, it isn't as dramatic as you'd expect.
but for now, i must cogitate.
19.7.06
National Children's Book Day and Conrad
yesterday, Nikki instant messaged me a note letting me know it was National Children's Book Day. i thought about announcing that here, but didn't really feel like posting anything at the time, so i just shrugged and went about my business.
now i feel vaguely guilty about it. i am, after all, a firm believer that all-kids-should-be-encouraged-to-read-even-if-
they-happened-to-be-blind-deaf-and-dumb who used to collect kids books that look and sound fun to read out loud (for reasons i will not elaborate on here) and even have my own kids' book(s) in the works.
so, yes, this is a post trying to make it up to the Lords of Literary Kharma.
hope you all spent the day accordingly.
*
last night, Mikey's comment about wanting to be compared to Joseph Conrad popped back into my head, for reasons i will never know. the thought triggered the following series of events:
(slow dolt that i am, it only then dawned on me who the Conrad in Atha must have been named after. but i digress.)
i remembered that i've had a penguin classics edition of Lord Jim for sometime now that i've never read, so i went over to my library and pulled it off the shelf.
i read the about the author section. in the first few lines, Conrad was described as a modernist. this piqued my curiosity further as just last week, in my birthday tribute to The Man, i'd learned that my favorite author, Mervyn Peake, was himself labeled a modernist.
i proceeded to read Conrad's introduction and the first few pages of the first chapter of Lord Jim.
i was then pleasantly surprised to recognize the rhythms, cadences, flow and narrative tone of Atha in those pages.
Atha, stylistically, follows the same beat of Conrad's writing in the opening pages of Lord Jim. the "told-by-the-fire" tone is also similar, and both Mikey and Joseph Conrad display the same sort of wonderful comfort with the narrative voice, allowing it to flow with a smoothness i've rarely encountered anywhere else, graceful to the ear and the tongue both, without giving-up a whit of its incisiveness.
all this is not to say that Mikey's writing is an imitation of Conrad (though that wouldn't be all that bad, given that she's told her own story, after all); Mikey's writing seems to have an additional hallucinatory tinge, some modern 21st century grit, and the substance of the narrative itself seems to be more visually-inclined than Conrad's already visually-oriented tale.
these are all very good things, imho.
so there you go, Mikey. possibly your first public comparison to Conrad.
good grief. this blog is turning into a regular fanboy page for Ms Atienza.
now i feel vaguely guilty about it. i am, after all, a firm believer that all-kids-should-be-encouraged-to-read-even-if-
they-happened-to-be-blind-deaf-and-dumb who used to collect kids books that look and sound fun to read out loud (for reasons i will not elaborate on here) and even have my own kids' book(s) in the works.
so, yes, this is a post trying to make it up to the Lords of Literary Kharma.
hope you all spent the day accordingly.
*
last night, Mikey's comment about wanting to be compared to Joseph Conrad popped back into my head, for reasons i will never know. the thought triggered the following series of events:
(slow dolt that i am, it only then dawned on me who the Conrad in Atha must have been named after. but i digress.)
i remembered that i've had a penguin classics edition of Lord Jim for sometime now that i've never read, so i went over to my library and pulled it off the shelf.
i read the about the author section. in the first few lines, Conrad was described as a modernist. this piqued my curiosity further as just last week, in my birthday tribute to The Man, i'd learned that my favorite author, Mervyn Peake, was himself labeled a modernist.
i proceeded to read Conrad's introduction and the first few pages of the first chapter of Lord Jim.
i was then pleasantly surprised to recognize the rhythms, cadences, flow and narrative tone of Atha in those pages.
Atha, stylistically, follows the same beat of Conrad's writing in the opening pages of Lord Jim. the "told-by-the-fire" tone is also similar, and both Mikey and Joseph Conrad display the same sort of wonderful comfort with the narrative voice, allowing it to flow with a smoothness i've rarely encountered anywhere else, graceful to the ear and the tongue both, without giving-up a whit of its incisiveness.
all this is not to say that Mikey's writing is an imitation of Conrad (though that wouldn't be all that bad, given that she's told her own story, after all); Mikey's writing seems to have an additional hallucinatory tinge, some modern 21st century grit, and the substance of the narrative itself seems to be more visually-inclined than Conrad's already visually-oriented tale.
these are all very good things, imho.
so there you go, Mikey. possibly your first public comparison to Conrad.
good grief. this blog is turning into a regular fanboy page for Ms Atienza.
18.7.06
Monkey: spanked
if you haven't been keeping up with the Evil Monkey Monday Morning Show, why the hell not?
this installment has to be the most bizarre one yet.
yes, i know it isn't Monday around here anymore. for that we must be thankful.
this installment has to be the most bizarre one yet.
yes, i know it isn't Monday around here anymore. for that we must be thankful.
Exclusive! Mikey Atienza Unmasked!
Ma. Michaela "Mikey" Atienza (yes, there's a 'Y' at the end, for those who were having trouble over on the comments section. hehe) wrote the wonderfully sharp yet devastatingly beautiful (literally, in fact) Atha. the only entry to fall into what i would call visual/sensory fantasy, Atha fits right in with the works of a small group of SF/F writers that includes, among others, Mervyn Peake, China Mieville, and M. John Harrison.
and to say that 'that is a good thing' would be more than just an understatement; it would be downright insulting.
so here's her digs on my 5 Stupid Questions.
strangely enough, I would also love to be compared to Joseph Conrad. For someone that learned English at 21 years old, he writes really powerful descriptive passages.
and i'm definitely not saying i could ever be like her, but Toni Morrison taught me the value of the run-on sentence.
*
okay, okay, so i suck at desert island questions.
why don't you think you'd ever be like Toni Morrison? you mean getting on Oprah's list?
what seems odd for me is that while there was, indeed, a lot of grey in my head while i was reading Atha, there was also a weird yellowish-sepia tinge to everything.
go figure.
well, that concludes my 5-stupid-questions-with-3-brilliant-writers run on this blog.
Thanks Mikey!
and thanks everybody else for playing along.
and to say that 'that is a good thing' would be more than just an understatement; it would be downright insulting.
so here's her digs on my 5 Stupid Questions.
1. What's the first thing (image/idea/concept/whatever) that came into your head when you first started writing your award-winning story?
this is really weird but the first thing i thought of was the weather. whatever my story was going to be about, i really wanted it to begin in the early morning, during the bleakest most awful day possible. i guess i have thing for visual imagery, maybe because it's the easiest to describe.2. What do you think would enhance a reader's experience or appreciation of your story (e.g., mind-altering substances; an enlightening, uplifting religious experience; a gun pointed between the eyes)?
think of the color gray when you read it (no, really!). that's what i had to keep in mind when i was writing it, because atha, among other things, is about dullness and how it frustrates people so that they end up dying to make things happen.3. Of all the writers you've read, who would you most want to be compared to? at the moment, whose writing do you think your style best approximates?
I wish i could write like Dave Eggers, because he writes...the way he does. He's hilarious, and his stuff is so sharp, but it's powerful at the same time. Sorry, that's a really lousy tribute...strangely enough, I would also love to be compared to Joseph Conrad. For someone that learned English at 21 years old, he writes really powerful descriptive passages.
and i'm definitely not saying i could ever be like her, but Toni Morrison taught me the value of the run-on sentence.
4. Why, aside from having won an award or two more than i have, should i read your story?
that it plays around with the idea of regression and creation (given the circumstances, right or wrong?) is, i think, pretty interesting. when i started writing the story, it was just about a guy chasing a monster, but it eventually turned into something slightly more substantial, which i'm happy about.5. Requisite desert island question: if you were stuck on a desert island, which would you rather have: a) an unlimited supply of ink, paper, and really good pens, or b) your favorite book? If a), what would you do with the paper, ink and pens? If b), what book would that be?
the unlimited supply of paper and pens. favorite book or not, i could only read it so many times. at least with the pens i'd be able to doodle (keeps me alive in class, after all)*
okay, okay, so i suck at desert island questions.
why don't you think you'd ever be like Toni Morrison? you mean getting on Oprah's list?
what seems odd for me is that while there was, indeed, a lot of grey in my head while i was reading Atha, there was also a weird yellowish-sepia tinge to everything.
go figure.
well, that concludes my 5-stupid-questions-with-3-brilliant-writers run on this blog.
Thanks Mikey!
and thanks everybody else for playing along.
Exclusive! Phil ("he isn't named Philip") Dy Unmasked!
so, this is the second of three. Philbert Dy wrote The Great Philippine Space Mission, a wonderful and surprisingly compassionate satire about that most iconic of icons: ladies and gents, you know her, you've seen her on a million billboards, you (arguably) love her, put your hands together (or not) for Kris Aquino.
now read Phil's answers.
1. What's the first thing (image/idea/concept/whatever) that came into your head when you first started writing your award-winning story?
ROBOT BUNNIES. I swear I'm going to write a story about robot bunnies
someday. I spent months on the robot bunny story, detailing an intricate
history that led up to the moment that robotics and bunnies first met.
It was already February when I realized it just wasn't happening. It didn't
feel right. It struck me that Robot Bunnies wasn't a particularly Filipino
story. That's when I started thinking "what would constitute a Filipino
science fiction story?" I asked a lot of people why we didn't have a lot of
science fiction, and the general consensus was that (1) we didn't have a lot
of science, and (2) there was this general feeling that given the social
realities that the country faces, it was almost irresponsible to write about
things as distant from the typical Filipino experience as spaceships and
aliens.
So I pretty much went "fine! Not so science-y, and as close to the typical
Filipino experience as possible." The not-so-science-y part was easy, since
to tell the truth, I'm not-so-science-y, too. The second part was driving me
crazy, but like most things, a good walk in my area gave the answer. I was
walking around in my hometown of Cubao when it struck me. Kris Aquino. If
you've ever been to Gateway, you'll know why Kris Aquino struck me. She is the
Filipino experience.
That's when I began to wonder. What if Kris Aquino somehow saved the world?
It all came spilling from there.
2. What do you think would enhance a reader's experience or appreciation of your story (e.g., mind-altering substances; an enlightening, uplifting religious experience; a gun pointed between the eyes)?
A whole lot of editing. As I said, I only really started the story sometime
in February, and a combination of work, writer's block and laziness had me
rushing to finish the story. The last twenty-three pages of my story were
written on February 26 and February 27. Such haste in writing doesn't lend
itself well to proper grammar and proofreading. I have typos for crying out
loud!
Also, I think this could have been a much longer story that doesn't
sacrifice the characterizations of everyone that isn't Eric.
And it would help if you've watched at least one episode of the Buzz with
Kris Aquino on it.
3. Of all the writer's you've read, who would you most want to be compared to? at the moment, who do you think your style best approximates?
Douglas Adams. I'm an Adams hack! If anything, I want to ape the unmitigated
joy he took in imagining all kinds of crazy things. I'd like to be funny,
too, if possible.
At the moment, I don't think I've found any style. I'm still looking for it,
all the while ripping off every author I've ever read. Harhar.
4. Why, aside from having won an award or two more than i have, should i read your story?
Hm. I'm not in the habit of telling people they should read my story,
really, but you might be curious how Kris Aquino contributed to the world's
salvation.
Also, because Armageddon sucked.
5. Requisite desert island question: if you were stuck on a desert island, which would you rather have: a) an unlimited supply of ink, paper, and really good pens, or b) your favorite book? If a) what would you do with the paper, ink and pens? If b) what book would that be?
A. Come on.
Barring the obvious giant boat made out of empty pen shells and a giant
paper sail, there's just so much more you can do with pen and paper. You may
love a book enough to want to spend an entire life reading it, but in the
end, the act of reading is merely consumptive. The paper, pens and ink allow
you to be creative. It's always better to create than consume.
*
you started your story in FEBRUARY?!?
sorry. that was my poor demolished ego talking. really, i'm a nice guy.
Thanks Phil!
now read Phil's answers.
1. What's the first thing (image/idea/concept/whatever) that came into your head when you first started writing your award-winning story?
ROBOT BUNNIES. I swear I'm going to write a story about robot bunnies
someday. I spent months on the robot bunny story, detailing an intricate
history that led up to the moment that robotics and bunnies first met.
It was already February when I realized it just wasn't happening. It didn't
feel right. It struck me that Robot Bunnies wasn't a particularly Filipino
story. That's when I started thinking "what would constitute a Filipino
science fiction story?" I asked a lot of people why we didn't have a lot of
science fiction, and the general consensus was that (1) we didn't have a lot
of science, and (2) there was this general feeling that given the social
realities that the country faces, it was almost irresponsible to write about
things as distant from the typical Filipino experience as spaceships and
aliens.
So I pretty much went "fine! Not so science-y, and as close to the typical
Filipino experience as possible." The not-so-science-y part was easy, since
to tell the truth, I'm not-so-science-y, too. The second part was driving me
crazy, but like most things, a good walk in my area gave the answer. I was
walking around in my hometown of Cubao when it struck me. Kris Aquino. If
you've ever been to Gateway, you'll know why Kris Aquino struck me. She is the
Filipino experience.
That's when I began to wonder. What if Kris Aquino somehow saved the world?
It all came spilling from there.
2. What do you think would enhance a reader's experience or appreciation of your story (e.g., mind-altering substances; an enlightening, uplifting religious experience; a gun pointed between the eyes)?
A whole lot of editing. As I said, I only really started the story sometime
in February, and a combination of work, writer's block and laziness had me
rushing to finish the story. The last twenty-three pages of my story were
written on February 26 and February 27. Such haste in writing doesn't lend
itself well to proper grammar and proofreading. I have typos for crying out
loud!
Also, I think this could have been a much longer story that doesn't
sacrifice the characterizations of everyone that isn't Eric.
And it would help if you've watched at least one episode of the Buzz with
Kris Aquino on it.
3. Of all the writer's you've read, who would you most want to be compared to? at the moment, who do you think your style best approximates?
Douglas Adams. I'm an Adams hack! If anything, I want to ape the unmitigated
joy he took in imagining all kinds of crazy things. I'd like to be funny,
too, if possible.
At the moment, I don't think I've found any style. I'm still looking for it,
all the while ripping off every author I've ever read. Harhar.
4. Why, aside from having won an award or two more than i have, should i read your story?
Hm. I'm not in the habit of telling people they should read my story,
really, but you might be curious how Kris Aquino contributed to the world's
salvation.
Also, because Armageddon sucked.
5. Requisite desert island question: if you were stuck on a desert island, which would you rather have: a) an unlimited supply of ink, paper, and really good pens, or b) your favorite book? If a) what would you do with the paper, ink and pens? If b) what book would that be?
A. Come on.
Barring the obvious giant boat made out of empty pen shells and a giant
paper sail, there's just so much more you can do with pen and paper. You may
love a book enough to want to spend an entire life reading it, but in the
end, the act of reading is merely consumptive. The paper, pens and ink allow
you to be creative. It's always better to create than consume.
*
you started your story in FEBRUARY?!?
sorry. that was my poor demolished ego talking. really, i'm a nice guy.
Thanks Phil!
17.7.06
the swarm
lot of activity on the blog today, and i can't tell you how immensely this pleases me. anyone reading this blog who hasn't been bothering with the comments sections has been missing a whole lot of fun, i can tell you that much.
here's to all the speculative/science/graphic fiction/fantasy geeks out there. and the non-geeks as well.
what say we all get together in the "real world" sometime for what i like to call "cokes and smokes" (that's my phrase for coffee and cigarettes, for the rhyming slang [RS]-impaired), depending on your preferred poison?
i'm off for the day. see you guys around.
here's to all the speculative/science/graphic fiction/fantasy geeks out there. and the non-geeks as well.
what say we all get together in the "real world" sometime for what i like to call "cokes and smokes" (that's my phrase for coffee and cigarettes, for the rhyming slang [RS]-impaired), depending on your preferred poison?
i'm off for the day. see you guys around.
Exclusive! Mike Co Unmasked!
Mike Co wrote The God Equation. if you've been paying attention, you'll know that his story won top spot for prose in the 1st Philippine Graphic/Fiction Awards. he was kind enough to answer my ridiculously pointless 5-questions-to-get-in-the-heads-of-the-graphic/fiction-award-winners.
so, here they are:
1. What's the first thing (image/idea/concept/whatever) that came into your head when you first started writing your award-winning story?
3. Of all the writers you've read, who would you most want to be compared to? at the moment, whose work do you think your own writing style best approximates?
5. Requisite desert island question: if you were stuck on a desert island, which would you rather have: a) an unlimited supply of ink, paper, and really good pens, or b) your favorite book? If a) what would you do with the paper, ink and pens? If b) what book would that be?
so, here they are:
1. What's the first thing (image/idea/concept/whatever) that came into your head when you first started writing your award-winning story?
I was supposed to write a story about a lesbian and her ex-girlfriend. I worked on it for several weeks, then I got stuck, because I am not a girl (although I'd make a great lesbian). Then, three weeks before the deadline, I decided to start fresh and write the story that had been brewing in my mind for over a decade. I wrote the first half over two weeks. I wrote the second half in the last two days.
2. What do you think would enhance a reader's experience or appreciation of your story (e.g., mind-altering substances; an enlightening, uplifting
religious experience; a gun pointed between the eyes)?
2. What do you think would enhance a reader's experience or appreciation of your story (e.g., mind-altering substances; an enlightening, uplifting
religious experience; a gun pointed between the eyes)?
Space and time: I wish I had more space, and I wish I had more time. My original draft exceeded the 7,000-word limit and I had to sacrifice the epilogue, which in its current state is quite abrupt. I also wished a had an extra week to fix the story in certain places, especially the math "lecture" and the interior monologue at the end. My original design was to have the ending be more poetic (like Atha -- loved this story, btw). But, alas, I'm not very poetic.
3. Of all the writers you've read, who would you most want to be compared to? at the moment, whose work do you think your own writing style best approximates?
Wow. This is the hard question because I'm being ask to compare myself with the greats. Well, I'm striving to write like Len Deighton, Alfred Bester, and Michael Crichton. Deighton is a writer's writer, the stuff of highbrow lit but with a genre foothold. Bester is electric, pre-dates cyberpunk. And Crichton, well, he's a millionaire and an sf writer who isn't typecast as one. I don't think my current style approaches any of these three at the moment. The best style in my opinion, would be the one that's entirely transparent.
4. Why, aside from having won an award or two more than i have, should i read your story?
The title alone should have piqued anyone's curiousity. Yes, it does promise something profound, but my lack of real mathematical insight forced me to use it as a McGuffin. The story isn't about angels or the battle between good and evil. It's about faith. Would God want his existence to be proven beyond logical doubt? Without going into my own personal beliefs, the story simply says, "No. You shouldn't even try to prove His existence. Just believe."
5. Requisite desert island question: if you were stuck on a desert island, which would you rather have: a) an unlimited supply of ink, paper, and really good pens, or b) your favorite book? If a) what would you do with the paper, ink and pens? If b) what book would that be?
I'd choose A. I'm going to paint a gigantic HELP sign.
*
obviously, Mike's way too smart for getting stuck on a desert island. sure you wouldn't want to build a boat with all that paper? wouldn't put it past you, the miracle you pulled with your story.
Thanks Mike!
keep your eyes peeled for further ridiculously-simple-expeditions-into-the-heads-of-writers.
*
obviously, Mike's way too smart for getting stuck on a desert island. sure you wouldn't want to build a boat with all that paper? wouldn't put it past you, the miracle you pulled with your story.
Thanks Mike!
keep your eyes peeled for further ridiculously-simple-expeditions-into-the-heads-of-writers.
a bit more Unmasked
good grief. that's a quicky-post for me? i've always known i tend towards long-ish posts, but this is ridiculous. i've hardly left anything more for me to say on the awards.
so i guess i'll just ramble.
nope. nothing left to say really.
however, i was immensely pleased to have gotten to meet the winners of the prose category. i'd really wanted to meet the author of Atha, it being the only shortlisted entry to be of the sort of visual/sensory fantasy that i truly adore (as evidenced by my preference for the Titus Groan books and Mieville's work). as it happens, she was the first person i had the honor of meeting, having registered immediately before i did, allowing me, with the help of Mabel, to pick her out from the crowd once we learned that the story was written by Ma. Michaela Atienza. (she had signed herself in as Mikey Atienza, and her name had fortunately made it through my reactive autism at events that are even remotely approaching being social, and filtered into my subconscious as i signed in immediately after her.)
i would have liked to have had long discussions with the winners on their works, influences, style, all that writerly nonsense, but i suppose they all had their own agendas for the night.
i do hope they take me up on my request and drop by here to join the fun. Philbert Dy, by the way, has already posted a comment on the entry that contains my review of his work. i'm hoping to have more from the authors to put up here in later days, but more on that as it comes.
Ben, who did Karnabal, was complaining that i was descriminating, having only invited the winners to post, so i make it clear here that all the writers and artists who made it on the list (and those, like me, who didn't) are more than welcome to drop by and let themselves be known here.
(in fact, if you didn't make it on the list, i would gladly review your stuff, and say things like how your story should have made it on the list, if you send me your stories. for that purpose, i take a leap of faith and leave you my e-mail ad here: furnival@yahoo.com. feel free to drop me a line.)
so please, feel free to look around, drop comments wherever, throw fruit, whatever suits your fancy.
so i guess i'll just ramble.
nope. nothing left to say really.
however, i was immensely pleased to have gotten to meet the winners of the prose category. i'd really wanted to meet the author of Atha, it being the only shortlisted entry to be of the sort of visual/sensory fantasy that i truly adore (as evidenced by my preference for the Titus Groan books and Mieville's work). as it happens, she was the first person i had the honor of meeting, having registered immediately before i did, allowing me, with the help of Mabel, to pick her out from the crowd once we learned that the story was written by Ma. Michaela Atienza. (she had signed herself in as Mikey Atienza, and her name had fortunately made it through my reactive autism at events that are even remotely approaching being social, and filtered into my subconscious as i signed in immediately after her.)
i would have liked to have had long discussions with the winners on their works, influences, style, all that writerly nonsense, but i suppose they all had their own agendas for the night.
i do hope they take me up on my request and drop by here to join the fun. Philbert Dy, by the way, has already posted a comment on the entry that contains my review of his work. i'm hoping to have more from the authors to put up here in later days, but more on that as it comes.
Ben, who did Karnabal, was complaining that i was descriminating, having only invited the winners to post, so i make it clear here that all the writers and artists who made it on the list (and those, like me, who didn't) are more than welcome to drop by and let themselves be known here.
(in fact, if you didn't make it on the list, i would gladly review your stuff, and say things like how your story should have made it on the list, if you send me your stories. for that purpose, i take a leap of faith and leave you my e-mail ad here: furnival@yahoo.com. feel free to drop me a line.)
so please, feel free to look around, drop comments wherever, throw fruit, whatever suits your fancy.
15.7.06
Unmasked quicky
it being the weekend, i have to work with a 28.8k dial-up, so i really don't want to spend too much time here, so just a quick update.
Mabel and i just came from the Unmasking where, despite all logic, we actually had a grand time. details later.
for now, i just want to let it be known that, yes, my three picks for the prose category did make it to the top three, and The God Equation swept-up both the main award and the People's choice. Dusk and Hika Girl made it to the top three of the comics category, and though i didn't pick it for a winner, i'm immensely glad Splat made it up there as well.
A Strange Map of Time, to my chagrin, shares the top spot with Equation. but more on that and other miffs when i get back on our office broadband.
most importantly for this post, i got to meet all three prose winners (the only truly legitimate ones in that category, to my mind), Ma. Michaela "Mikey" Atienza who wrote the utterly wonderful Atha, Philbert Dy who did the delightful The Great Philippine Space Mission, and Michael Co, with his awe-inspiring, utterly ego-crushing The God Equation.
the offshoot of which is i've asked each of them to comment on the reviews i'd written of their stories (pretty please?), so watch out for their digs in the relevant spaces. (incidentally for those writers, it would be great if you maybe left blog urls, if you have them, for linking? and keep checking for responses to your posts. it might get interesting here.)
i was too ashamed of my pitiful attempts at comics criticism to ask the comics category winners to comment on the reviews i'd written of their work, so i didn't. it would be great, however, if they somehow got wind of this and went ahead and got on-board the comments sections anyway. hint, hint.
congratulations to all the winners. and, yes, i really mean it. my teeth are nowhere near forming a sieve for my words. as Mr Gaiman said about Ms Clarke's Stopp't Clock Yard, i really wish i'd written those stories, but i'm even more pleased i'd gotten to read them. or something like that.
Mabel and i just came from the Unmasking where, despite all logic, we actually had a grand time. details later.
for now, i just want to let it be known that, yes, my three picks for the prose category did make it to the top three, and The God Equation swept-up both the main award and the People's choice. Dusk and Hika Girl made it to the top three of the comics category, and though i didn't pick it for a winner, i'm immensely glad Splat made it up there as well.
A Strange Map of Time, to my chagrin, shares the top spot with Equation. but more on that and other miffs when i get back on our office broadband.
most importantly for this post, i got to meet all three prose winners (the only truly legitimate ones in that category, to my mind), Ma. Michaela "Mikey" Atienza who wrote the utterly wonderful Atha, Philbert Dy who did the delightful The Great Philippine Space Mission, and Michael Co, with his awe-inspiring, utterly ego-crushing The God Equation.
the offshoot of which is i've asked each of them to comment on the reviews i'd written of their stories (pretty please?), so watch out for their digs in the relevant spaces. (incidentally for those writers, it would be great if you maybe left blog urls, if you have them, for linking? and keep checking for responses to your posts. it might get interesting here.)
i was too ashamed of my pitiful attempts at comics criticism to ask the comics category winners to comment on the reviews i'd written of their work, so i didn't. it would be great, however, if they somehow got wind of this and went ahead and got on-board the comments sections anyway. hint, hint.
congratulations to all the winners. and, yes, i really mean it. my teeth are nowhere near forming a sieve for my words. as Mr Gaiman said about Ms Clarke's Stopp't Clock Yard, i really wish i'd written those stories, but i'm even more pleased i'd gotten to read them. or something like that.
14.7.06
The End of the 1st Graphic/Fic imho reviews
Paul's comment on the last entry has spurred me to re-emphasize the fact that these are solely my opinions, i'm no expert, and while i can spot some editorial flubs, i'm no copyeditor. i also ammend my statement in that entry, when i said "i'm reading 'em so you won't have to." actually, it would be great if you went and read them yourself, and then come comment on this blog. i'm only maybe helping some of you decide which ones you might want to read in case you feel pressed for time and don't want to go through them all.
so, the awards are tomorrow. i've read all the prose entries and the original shortlist of comics entries. it's crap that they threw in some additional entries. i mean, good for those fellows, but, man, really cutting it close for us who have to vote for the damn things.
so i've decided not to read and review the new entries. maybe after the unmasking, but my head's going to implode from the ego-assault.
especially after reading the first two of the last three prose entries on the shortlist in alphabetical order.
The God Equation - i am in awe of this writer. the writing is straight geek noir all the way. it's an amazingly hardboiled pure spec fic story, sort of the Asimov to Gaiman's Murder Mysteries Ellison, if you know what i mean. the grit, the detail, i don't think i've read Divine Cloak & Dagger done better. dips into everything from mathematics to philosophy to the legalities of life-beyond-death. think of a cross between Neal Stephenson, Richard Morgan, with just the tiniest hint of Mr Gaiman and maybe, just maybe, some Philip K. Dick, and you have some idea of what you're in for with this story.
The Great Philippine Space Mission - i didn't think i'd like this when i started reading it. for one thing, the satire of it was just too obvious. but as i actually started on it, i found i was actually into it. this is the perfect dessert for the heavy dish of The God Equation. it's a light satire in the mold of older incarnations of "SF", the kind where true realism would take a backseat to pure imagination, kept just a hair within being plausible by the way the material is handled rather than by sticking to hard science. it's actually pretty funny sometimes, but the thing that surprised me most was that despite the obvious satire, the story is actually shot through with compassion. i never thought anyone could get me to care what Kris Aquino felt. even a fictional version of her.
The Omega Project - this one tries, but just doesn't work. it has everything: the politics of research, a world hidden from us but right under our very noses, a catastrophe that triggers it all, and bugs. neither the premise nor the treatment, however, are well-handled, and neither are particularly special to begin with. i like it when authors don't try to tell you everything, but this writer leaves too many loose-ends, so it feels like you might as well have made it all up for yourself. and the attempt at creating sympathy for roaches with melodrama really doesn't work for me, and it isn't because they're roaches. i liked Joe's Apartment fine. but that's just the thing; you don't need to be melodramatic to create sympathy. plus, i don't get all this talk of a "collective consciousness." telepathy is not "collective consciousness." and don't get me started on the details...
and on to the comics...
Splat - simple, postmodernistish, sorta interesting, but not quite. looks like it was done by the guy who does Kiko Machine or one of those other newspaper funnies. not a winner for me, but i'm glad there are people out there making this sort of comic, because we need more of this kind of abstract, surreal, kinda-makes-you-think-but-only-when-your-stoned kind of comics.
Karnabal - beautifully done, but if you're used to this sort of "dark carnival of wonders and horrors" thing, no surprises. however, despite the rather obvious story, the writing is rather well done, and the art is just amazing. if Dusk was Violent Cases, this is more Mr. Punch. (i know i compared Dusk to Mr. Punch in its review, and it's a bit like that, too, but really it's more Violent Cases and maybe Cages than Punch.)
Drinking Buddies from Hell - i personally don't like too many words in my comics, unless they're really pretty words (like in Some Things are Better Left to Themselves), they have visual impact (like in Mr. Punch, Violent Cases or Dusk), or if you can't run away from them (like in Watchmen, V for Vendetta or Sandman). Drinking had way too many words for my taste, and it was neither of these. however, as it turns out, it's a damn good story. and the subtle bit in the end is a nice touch. the art reminds me of my old elementary school textbooks, or the kind of realist art that was so common in funnies back when i was little. it also reminds me of that Hellblazer story with the yuppy demons for some reason...
Where Eagles Fly - this one makes #9, so it must have gotten through my radar. i read it anyway. i personally am sick of these "man is ruining the environment" crap. not a particularly good story either. predictable all the way.
nice gift for your kid, but that's about it.
so, where does all that leave me? in a three way tie-up for both categories, that's where. Atha is now neck and neck with both The God Equation and The Great Philippine Space Mission, but it's very hard to compare them because they're all great for very different reasons. Atha, despite Paul's more experienced and technically more reliable opinion, is beautifully written, imho, the kind of fantasy that was pioneered by M. John Harrison, China Mieville and, to some extent, Jeff VanderMeer. it is unique among all the prose entries for using language that is more artistic than purely functional (although, it must be noted, it's that, too). God Equation, as previously mentioned, is Asimovian in its cerebral approach, though is perhaps more comparable to Alastair Reynolds and, again, Neal Stephenson. and it is VERY cerebral. if it wasn't so well done, it would have felt engineered, manufactured, certainly not the product of anything so messy as being written. and The Great Philippine Space Mission has the liveliest, quirkiest ideas, and appeals to me at least partly because it hearkens to those days when SF really was paving the way for ideas, paying more attention to an intellectual brand of creativity, respecting science without being restricted by it (maybe even laughing behind its back).
the three way tie for the comics category remains between Something, Dusk, and Hika Girl.
so, now, it all boils down to a matter of taste. right now, right this very instant, i can't explain why, but for the prose category, i favor Atha, and for the comics, Something. no, wait, The Great Philippine Space Mission and Dusk. definitely not Hika Girl. or maybe Hika Girl and God Equation....
argh. think i'll sleep on it.
*
on a only slightly relevant note, the most awesome local band on the scene today, updharmadown, are playing tonight at Gweilos Eastwood, along with 3 or 4 other bands whose names, for some reason, nobody at Gweilos can tell me. they expect udd to start their set around 10pm. entrance fee of P150, inclusive of one drink (either a beer or iced tea).
anybody who has a bone to pick with me for these reviews, be there tonight and look for a skinny black-clad dink (see? told you it was slightly relevant). let me take my glasses off before you do anything rash, ok? pretty?
so, the awards are tomorrow. i've read all the prose entries and the original shortlist of comics entries. it's crap that they threw in some additional entries. i mean, good for those fellows, but, man, really cutting it close for us who have to vote for the damn things.
so i've decided not to read and review the new entries. maybe after the unmasking, but my head's going to implode from the ego-assault.
especially after reading the first two of the last three prose entries on the shortlist in alphabetical order.
The God Equation - i am in awe of this writer. the writing is straight geek noir all the way. it's an amazingly hardboiled pure spec fic story, sort of the Asimov to Gaiman's Murder Mysteries Ellison, if you know what i mean. the grit, the detail, i don't think i've read Divine Cloak & Dagger done better. dips into everything from mathematics to philosophy to the legalities of life-beyond-death. think of a cross between Neal Stephenson, Richard Morgan, with just the tiniest hint of Mr Gaiman and maybe, just maybe, some Philip K. Dick, and you have some idea of what you're in for with this story.
The Great Philippine Space Mission - i didn't think i'd like this when i started reading it. for one thing, the satire of it was just too obvious. but as i actually started on it, i found i was actually into it. this is the perfect dessert for the heavy dish of The God Equation. it's a light satire in the mold of older incarnations of "SF", the kind where true realism would take a backseat to pure imagination, kept just a hair within being plausible by the way the material is handled rather than by sticking to hard science. it's actually pretty funny sometimes, but the thing that surprised me most was that despite the obvious satire, the story is actually shot through with compassion. i never thought anyone could get me to care what Kris Aquino felt. even a fictional version of her.
The Omega Project - this one tries, but just doesn't work. it has everything: the politics of research, a world hidden from us but right under our very noses, a catastrophe that triggers it all, and bugs. neither the premise nor the treatment, however, are well-handled, and neither are particularly special to begin with. i like it when authors don't try to tell you everything, but this writer leaves too many loose-ends, so it feels like you might as well have made it all up for yourself. and the attempt at creating sympathy for roaches with melodrama really doesn't work for me, and it isn't because they're roaches. i liked Joe's Apartment fine. but that's just the thing; you don't need to be melodramatic to create sympathy. plus, i don't get all this talk of a "collective consciousness." telepathy is not "collective consciousness." and don't get me started on the details...
and on to the comics...
Splat - simple, postmodernistish, sorta interesting, but not quite. looks like it was done by the guy who does Kiko Machine or one of those other newspaper funnies. not a winner for me, but i'm glad there are people out there making this sort of comic, because we need more of this kind of abstract, surreal, kinda-makes-you-think-but-only-when-your-stoned kind of comics.
Karnabal - beautifully done, but if you're used to this sort of "dark carnival of wonders and horrors" thing, no surprises. however, despite the rather obvious story, the writing is rather well done, and the art is just amazing. if Dusk was Violent Cases, this is more Mr. Punch. (i know i compared Dusk to Mr. Punch in its review, and it's a bit like that, too, but really it's more Violent Cases and maybe Cages than Punch.)
Drinking Buddies from Hell - i personally don't like too many words in my comics, unless they're really pretty words (like in Some Things are Better Left to Themselves), they have visual impact (like in Mr. Punch, Violent Cases or Dusk), or if you can't run away from them (like in Watchmen, V for Vendetta or Sandman). Drinking had way too many words for my taste, and it was neither of these. however, as it turns out, it's a damn good story. and the subtle bit in the end is a nice touch. the art reminds me of my old elementary school textbooks, or the kind of realist art that was so common in funnies back when i was little. it also reminds me of that Hellblazer story with the yuppy demons for some reason...
Where Eagles Fly - this one makes #9, so it must have gotten through my radar. i read it anyway. i personally am sick of these "man is ruining the environment" crap. not a particularly good story either. predictable all the way.
nice gift for your kid, but that's about it.
so, where does all that leave me? in a three way tie-up for both categories, that's where. Atha is now neck and neck with both The God Equation and The Great Philippine Space Mission, but it's very hard to compare them because they're all great for very different reasons. Atha, despite Paul's more experienced and technically more reliable opinion, is beautifully written, imho, the kind of fantasy that was pioneered by M. John Harrison, China Mieville and, to some extent, Jeff VanderMeer. it is unique among all the prose entries for using language that is more artistic than purely functional (although, it must be noted, it's that, too). God Equation, as previously mentioned, is Asimovian in its cerebral approach, though is perhaps more comparable to Alastair Reynolds and, again, Neal Stephenson. and it is VERY cerebral. if it wasn't so well done, it would have felt engineered, manufactured, certainly not the product of anything so messy as being written. and The Great Philippine Space Mission has the liveliest, quirkiest ideas, and appeals to me at least partly because it hearkens to those days when SF really was paving the way for ideas, paying more attention to an intellectual brand of creativity, respecting science without being restricted by it (maybe even laughing behind its back).
the three way tie for the comics category remains between Something, Dusk, and Hika Girl.
so, now, it all boils down to a matter of taste. right now, right this very instant, i can't explain why, but for the prose category, i favor Atha, and for the comics, Something. no, wait, The Great Philippine Space Mission and Dusk. definitely not Hika Girl. or maybe Hika Girl and God Equation....
argh. think i'll sleep on it.
*
on a only slightly relevant note, the most awesome local band on the scene today, updharmadown, are playing tonight at Gweilos Eastwood, along with 3 or 4 other bands whose names, for some reason, nobody at Gweilos can tell me. they expect udd to start their set around 10pm. entrance fee of P150, inclusive of one drink (either a beer or iced tea).
anybody who has a bone to pick with me for these reviews, be there tonight and look for a skinny black-clad dink (see? told you it was slightly relevant). let me take my glasses off before you do anything rash, ok? pretty?
13.7.06
1st Graphic Fiction imho reviews part 2
ok. i may have bitten off more than i could rightly swallow when i started these reviews, but as the awards are coming up, must soldier on. call it a public service. as banzai cat put it, let me "read 'em so you won't have to."
keep in mind i'm nobody, i didn't get on this list, and i've never been published... but i read, i write, i think; ergo, i have opinions. so, if you're on the list, keep your ego tucked someplace safe, coz here i go.
yesterday i got down 2 prose entries and 6 comics.
Prose:
Monstrous Cycle - i found this story very entertaining. simple, charming, sometimes downright funny. a nod to Filipino culture that follows the dictum "funny coz it's true"... up to a point, of course. this is, after all, an sf/f award these writers are after. the writing, as is appropriate to the satire, is also simple, sometimes witty, occassionally a bit unwieldy. but even with the clunky bits, it's not a hard story to get through. however, it feels like an early draft, and could do with one or two more re-writes, or, at the very least, a fine editor's hand.
Stella for Star - i agree with chris back at the other post: the material was well-handled. however, the story itself is nothing special. think "anak ni janice" with a homosexual "twist." and while the ending offers a beautifully dark, bittersweet penultimate scene, it doesn't quite deliver the sympathetic oomph required to make it work, for all its melodramatic posturing. this story could have gone in several different directions and would have been better for it... but it went the way it did, and we must respect it for what it is. still, that doesn't mean any of us have to like it. again, mostly well-handled material from a writer's perspective, but the story just doesn't do it for me.
Comics: i must say upfront, all the artwork are stellar material. absolutely brilliant. each work offered on the shortlist has a distinct style, ranging from the equivalent of social realism in comic book art that i remember from serious "funny books" from my youth to manga madness to quirky McKeanisms to the utterly bizarre. i'll try to detail the art here, but you may have to go see them for yourself to literally see what i mean. i haven't been able to really peruse the art, however, so i'll be "judging" these works purely from a narrative, rather than a technical, standpoint.
Infatua - manga-ish fantasy comic art. starts with what looks to me like a nod to Empire Strikes Back, which delighted me for all its kitchiness. the story is a witty take on faerie tales and Lovecraftian horrors that tries to be surprising in the end, but doesn't quite get away with it. to be honest, i get the distinct feeling i've read this somewhere before...
Dusk - the art looks heavily influenced by Mr McKean's work, particularly from his Cages and his work on Mr Gaiman's Violent Cases and Mr Punch. works well with the simple story of a child learning things about life and the dark corners of their house. the tale of an awakening that ends in darkness. to steal a phrase (well, word) from Mr Gaiman: cool.
Some Things are Better Left to Themselves - the art reminds me of cutesy Gorillaz with nods to Charles Vess and The Iron Giant. dark and sweet, this short comic on the relationship between a little girl who grows up and the Man of the Tree delivers all that it was meant to, subtly re-inventing an old Filipino Folk thingy with beautifully lyrical writing. soppy without being soggy, it may nonetheless turn-off some readers with anti-mush issues.
The Sad, Mad, Incredible but True Adventures of Hika Girl - think Emily Strange, if she morphed into an annoyingly whiny kid instead of being cool, and you get an idea of what you're in for with this story. this story had some truly laugh out loud moments, accompanied by truly twisted Bosch-as-juvenilia art... there is, however, something i can't pin down about the ending that makes it feel like it's missing something...
Defiant: The Battle of Mactan - standard action comic fare glorifying (as the title suggests) the exploit(s) of Lapu-lapu. fine art, good if two-dimensional writing, lots of testosterone pumping through the whole thing. reminds me of a pinoy-manga-ish version of Slaine, but without any truly fantastical elements. beautifully done, but though it was a fun read, not quite my thing.
so, at the moment, my score for the prose entries stands: Atha looks to be leaving the rest of the pack in the dust, nothing else coming anywhere near. although i would consider Monstrous Cycle simply for its blatant satirism. for the comics, i'm a bit conflicted. at the moment, i'm tied-up between Dusk, Something... and Hika Girl, each one for a totally different reason.
i think i'll decide on the comics when i've read all the shortlisted entries. i'll make my final decision on who i will vote for at the Unmasking before Saturday.
bribes and petitions with worthy offerings gleefuly accepted.
keep in mind i'm nobody, i didn't get on this list, and i've never been published... but i read, i write, i think; ergo, i have opinions. so, if you're on the list, keep your ego tucked someplace safe, coz here i go.
yesterday i got down 2 prose entries and 6 comics.
Prose:
Monstrous Cycle - i found this story very entertaining. simple, charming, sometimes downright funny. a nod to Filipino culture that follows the dictum "funny coz it's true"... up to a point, of course. this is, after all, an sf/f award these writers are after. the writing, as is appropriate to the satire, is also simple, sometimes witty, occassionally a bit unwieldy. but even with the clunky bits, it's not a hard story to get through. however, it feels like an early draft, and could do with one or two more re-writes, or, at the very least, a fine editor's hand.
Stella for Star - i agree with chris back at the other post: the material was well-handled. however, the story itself is nothing special. think "anak ni janice" with a homosexual "twist." and while the ending offers a beautifully dark, bittersweet penultimate scene, it doesn't quite deliver the sympathetic oomph required to make it work, for all its melodramatic posturing. this story could have gone in several different directions and would have been better for it... but it went the way it did, and we must respect it for what it is. still, that doesn't mean any of us have to like it. again, mostly well-handled material from a writer's perspective, but the story just doesn't do it for me.
Comics: i must say upfront, all the artwork are stellar material. absolutely brilliant. each work offered on the shortlist has a distinct style, ranging from the equivalent of social realism in comic book art that i remember from serious "funny books" from my youth to manga madness to quirky McKeanisms to the utterly bizarre. i'll try to detail the art here, but you may have to go see them for yourself to literally see what i mean. i haven't been able to really peruse the art, however, so i'll be "judging" these works purely from a narrative, rather than a technical, standpoint.
Infatua - manga-ish fantasy comic art. starts with what looks to me like a nod to Empire Strikes Back, which delighted me for all its kitchiness. the story is a witty take on faerie tales and Lovecraftian horrors that tries to be surprising in the end, but doesn't quite get away with it. to be honest, i get the distinct feeling i've read this somewhere before...
Dusk - the art looks heavily influenced by Mr McKean's work, particularly from his Cages and his work on Mr Gaiman's Violent Cases and Mr Punch. works well with the simple story of a child learning things about life and the dark corners of their house. the tale of an awakening that ends in darkness. to steal a phrase (well, word) from Mr Gaiman: cool.
Some Things are Better Left to Themselves - the art reminds me of cutesy Gorillaz with nods to Charles Vess and The Iron Giant. dark and sweet, this short comic on the relationship between a little girl who grows up and the Man of the Tree delivers all that it was meant to, subtly re-inventing an old Filipino Folk thingy with beautifully lyrical writing. soppy without being soggy, it may nonetheless turn-off some readers with anti-mush issues.
The Sad, Mad, Incredible but True Adventures of Hika Girl - think Emily Strange, if she morphed into an annoyingly whiny kid instead of being cool, and you get an idea of what you're in for with this story. this story had some truly laugh out loud moments, accompanied by truly twisted Bosch-as-juvenilia art... there is, however, something i can't pin down about the ending that makes it feel like it's missing something...
Defiant: The Battle of Mactan - standard action comic fare glorifying (as the title suggests) the exploit(s) of Lapu-lapu. fine art, good if two-dimensional writing, lots of testosterone pumping through the whole thing. reminds me of a pinoy-manga-ish version of Slaine, but without any truly fantastical elements. beautifully done, but though it was a fun read, not quite my thing.
so, at the moment, my score for the prose entries stands: Atha looks to be leaving the rest of the pack in the dust, nothing else coming anywhere near. although i would consider Monstrous Cycle simply for its blatant satirism. for the comics, i'm a bit conflicted. at the moment, i'm tied-up between Dusk, Something... and Hika Girl, each one for a totally different reason.
i think i'll decide on the comics when i've read all the shortlisted entries. i'll make my final decision on who i will vote for at the Unmasking before Saturday.
bribes and petitions with worthy offerings gleefuly accepted.
12.7.06
1st Graphic Fiction imho reviews part 1
i've finally managed to pull myself together enough to read a few of the shortlisted entries to the prose category of the Graphic/Fic awards. i decided to go through them alphabetically. i've read 3 of them, well, 2 and a bit of 1, and have this to say about them (apologies to my fellow writers if my opinions are a bit ruthless. if it's any consolation, hey, you made it to the list and i didn't, so, hey, what do i know, right?):
A Song For Vargas - it was probably a good thing i started with this one, because it boosted my ego no end. no offense to the writer, but this was a horrible story. admittedly, i didn't make it to the end, but the writing was just too awful (both editing-wise and writing-wise) for me to continue. the ideas, the fantastical elements, were trite to say the least. Vargas is King Haggard, and while his dilemma may superficially be more sympathetic than Peter Beagle's creation, i felt no sympathy at all for all his dramatic posing. the lying skull "that keeps Vargas' secrets" cinches the deal in my mind; remember the skeleton guarding the clock-entrance to the Red Bull's lair? i read the first 3 or 4 pages, then skimmed through the rest. this story, imho, does not belong on the shortlist, and i'm a bit embarrassed that something so poorly edited (at the very least) was sent to Mr Gaiman for judging. i'm surprised he found it worthy of being on the shortlist at all, and, it's only redeeming factor, perhaps, is that it presents a fantasy that is solidly rooted in Filipino culture.
i get the feeling the writer would have been better off writing this one in Filipino.
A Strange Map of Time - well-written, with the nods to local culture not as forced as you usually find in local fiction written in English (the "hoverjeepneys," however, i found a bit laughably obvious). however, the story, the premise, the idea behind the "Strange Map" left me cold. this is not a "Strange" map of time. it's painfully linear, a disappointment after the title, and the story has elements that feel almost gratuitous. the bits where the main character goes backward in time are interesting, but felt like the only elements that seemed really worth going through. the author would have served the story better if he'd focused on that rather than the underlying, rather dull explanation for the events in the story.
Atha - when i first skimmed through the entries, i knew i was going to love this story. at the time, i wasn't ready to read any of the stories, and yet i had to stop myself as i had already consumed 2 pages of it. the writer is obviously comfortable with the narrative language, and, except for a few typos, the writing was flawless. the story was simple, but well-handled, the tone consistent, the pace rivetting. there are symbolic elements in the story that were handled beautifully, subtly, and fit into the narrative without beating you over the head with the "hey, look at this little detail here, it's symbolic, it is" some writers end-up saying (in not so many words) when inserting such elements into an otherwise straightforward narrative.
Atha is an amazing story, both the city and the flying beast Atha well-fleshed. the beast is both believable as a threatening element of change and a solid creation. despite the lack of any definite description, she manages to leap into your head full-formed without a completely detailed description telling you what she is exactly.
like Conrad, i can't help but love the city as the author describes it. there are so many fictional cities in lit, i myself find it hard to come up with an original description, much less one that feels absolutely right for the story, without resorting to cliches; the writer here manages beautifully, creating a post-apocalyptic city that is both familiar for dystopian/apocalyptic sf/f readers, and yet, more importantly, wholly his own.
about the only problem i see with this story is that it feels like it was written by China Mieville; not knowing Atha's writer, i'm not quite sure i see him in it. but it's still a good story, and the writing is good enough that it does not feel at all like it was written with the intention of being a Mieville-clone. rather, the similarity feels wholly incidental. and anyway, if you must be compared to another writer, you can do much, much worse than being compared to Mr Mieville.
for the moment, Atha has my vote for People's Choice Award; actually, it's hard to imagine any other entry topping this one in my mind right now.
winner or not, congratulations to Atha's writer for writing this gem of an sf/f short story.
i look forward to meeting Atha's writer, and, oddly enough, to reading the other stories on the shortlist, even while Atha proves that my own self-image as a writer can get smaller than it already is, and any other story even fractionally as good will surely beat it down even further.
more on the other shortlisted stories, and the state of my self-esteem, as they develop.
*
this just in... just found out from the horse's mouth (i.e., Neil Gaiman's blog) that Mr Gaiman was not a judge for the Graphic/Fic awards. which is both disappointing and heartening for me at the same time.
A Song For Vargas - it was probably a good thing i started with this one, because it boosted my ego no end. no offense to the writer, but this was a horrible story. admittedly, i didn't make it to the end, but the writing was just too awful (both editing-wise and writing-wise) for me to continue. the ideas, the fantastical elements, were trite to say the least. Vargas is King Haggard, and while his dilemma may superficially be more sympathetic than Peter Beagle's creation, i felt no sympathy at all for all his dramatic posing. the lying skull "that keeps Vargas' secrets" cinches the deal in my mind; remember the skeleton guarding the clock-entrance to the Red Bull's lair? i read the first 3 or 4 pages, then skimmed through the rest. this story, imho, does not belong on the shortlist, and i'm a bit embarrassed that something so poorly edited (at the very least) was sent to Mr Gaiman for judging. i'm surprised he found it worthy of being on the shortlist at all, and, it's only redeeming factor, perhaps, is that it presents a fantasy that is solidly rooted in Filipino culture.
i get the feeling the writer would have been better off writing this one in Filipino.
A Strange Map of Time - well-written, with the nods to local culture not as forced as you usually find in local fiction written in English (the "hoverjeepneys," however, i found a bit laughably obvious). however, the story, the premise, the idea behind the "Strange Map" left me cold. this is not a "Strange" map of time. it's painfully linear, a disappointment after the title, and the story has elements that feel almost gratuitous. the bits where the main character goes backward in time are interesting, but felt like the only elements that seemed really worth going through. the author would have served the story better if he'd focused on that rather than the underlying, rather dull explanation for the events in the story.
Atha - when i first skimmed through the entries, i knew i was going to love this story. at the time, i wasn't ready to read any of the stories, and yet i had to stop myself as i had already consumed 2 pages of it. the writer is obviously comfortable with the narrative language, and, except for a few typos, the writing was flawless. the story was simple, but well-handled, the tone consistent, the pace rivetting. there are symbolic elements in the story that were handled beautifully, subtly, and fit into the narrative without beating you over the head with the "hey, look at this little detail here, it's symbolic, it is" some writers end-up saying (in not so many words) when inserting such elements into an otherwise straightforward narrative.
Atha is an amazing story, both the city and the flying beast Atha well-fleshed. the beast is both believable as a threatening element of change and a solid creation. despite the lack of any definite description, she manages to leap into your head full-formed without a completely detailed description telling you what she is exactly.
like Conrad, i can't help but love the city as the author describes it. there are so many fictional cities in lit, i myself find it hard to come up with an original description, much less one that feels absolutely right for the story, without resorting to cliches; the writer here manages beautifully, creating a post-apocalyptic city that is both familiar for dystopian/apocalyptic sf/f readers, and yet, more importantly, wholly his own.
about the only problem i see with this story is that it feels like it was written by China Mieville; not knowing Atha's writer, i'm not quite sure i see him in it. but it's still a good story, and the writing is good enough that it does not feel at all like it was written with the intention of being a Mieville-clone. rather, the similarity feels wholly incidental. and anyway, if you must be compared to another writer, you can do much, much worse than being compared to Mr Mieville.
for the moment, Atha has my vote for People's Choice Award; actually, it's hard to imagine any other entry topping this one in my mind right now.
winner or not, congratulations to Atha's writer for writing this gem of an sf/f short story.
i look forward to meeting Atha's writer, and, oddly enough, to reading the other stories on the shortlist, even while Atha proves that my own self-image as a writer can get smaller than it already is, and any other story even fractionally as good will surely beat it down even further.
more on the other shortlisted stories, and the state of my self-esteem, as they develop.
*
this just in... just found out from the horse's mouth (i.e., Neil Gaiman's blog) that Mr Gaiman was not a judge for the Graphic/Fic awards. which is both disappointing and heartening for me at the same time.
11.7.06
Brilliant Glass Splinters
Each day I live in a glass room unless I break it with the thrusting of my senses and pass through the splintered walls to the great landscape.
-Mervyn Lawrence Peake (1911 - 1968)
i hadn't known Mr Peake was born in July. July 9, 1911, to be exact. in fact, i know little about the man outside some of his works, not even the bits you can easily find on the internet.
but if a man were to be defined by his deeds, then Mr Peake is a god among men. his Titus Groan books (a.k.a. The Gormenghast Trilogy, consisting of Titus Groan, Gormenghast, and Titus Alone) are the most magnificent works of literature i've ever had the privilege and the pleasure of reading.
nothing i say here can do the man or his books justice. do yourself a favor, get yourself copies of his works and read them.
then come back and tell me how much you love or hate them.
-Mervyn Lawrence Peake (1911 - 1968)
i hadn't known Mr Peake was born in July. July 9, 1911, to be exact. in fact, i know little about the man outside some of his works, not even the bits you can easily find on the internet.
but if a man were to be defined by his deeds, then Mr Peake is a god among men. his Titus Groan books (a.k.a. The Gormenghast Trilogy, consisting of Titus Groan, Gormenghast, and Titus Alone) are the most magnificent works of literature i've ever had the privilege and the pleasure of reading.
nothing i say here can do the man or his books justice. do yourself a favor, get yourself copies of his works and read them.
then come back and tell me how much you love or hate them.
10.7.06
Renaissance
i just shat my pants (figuratively speaking, of course).
found this over at ain't it cool news.
try the other links on the aicn page if the one i posted doesn't work.
rotoscoping, which first came to my attention with the blighted and benighted Ralph Bakshi version of Lord of the Rings, is making a comeback. with a vengeance.
hope this one comes out locally. meanwhile, while we're on the subject of rotoscoping, i can barely wait for A Scanner Darkly. i'm not a total PKD fanatic, i have mixed feelings about the few books by him i've read, but i love his twisted ideas, and he rules nonetheless.
found this over at ain't it cool news.
try the other links on the aicn page if the one i posted doesn't work.
rotoscoping, which first came to my attention with the blighted and benighted Ralph Bakshi version of Lord of the Rings, is making a comeback. with a vengeance.
hope this one comes out locally. meanwhile, while we're on the subject of rotoscoping, i can barely wait for A Scanner Darkly. i'm not a total PKD fanatic, i have mixed feelings about the few books by him i've read, but i love his twisted ideas, and he rules nonetheless.
almost about Synchronicity
the trouble with being a lazy blogger is that when you're totally inspired to talk about anything that may possibly have a modicum of substance in it but you don't have a fast connection and aren't even in front of your laptop or pc at the moment the inspiration hits and you have to put it off for tomorrow when you go to work and have access to a free, relatively fast and hassle-free internet connection, by the time you finally do get in front of your office pc to splurge an hour or two on blogging, you don't really feel like putting up your inspired ideas anymore.
i was gonna say something about how synchronicity's a bitch when you're a spec fic writer who doesn't write fast enough and isn't getting his stuff published anyway, because some bloke is probably gonna have similar ideas that he's bound to get published and by the time you get your stuff out there, everyone will think you'd copied off the other bloke and that just isn't true.
plus, he's bound to have done it better than you.
all this goes behind the sub-blog-topic-headings "why i'm reluctant to get a copy of Scott Lynch's The Lies of Locke Lamora", with some references on "why i was pissed when Virtuosity came out a while back" and "why Vellum kinda miffed me when it came out," among others.
but, like i said, i don't really feel like talking about that anymore.
instead, here's a link to the latest installment in the Monday Morning Monkey Show, or whatever it's called:
http://vanderworld.blogspot.com/
or
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfarPQcjlpY
blow your brains out.
i was gonna say something about how synchronicity's a bitch when you're a spec fic writer who doesn't write fast enough and isn't getting his stuff published anyway, because some bloke is probably gonna have similar ideas that he's bound to get published and by the time you get your stuff out there, everyone will think you'd copied off the other bloke and that just isn't true.
plus, he's bound to have done it better than you.
all this goes behind the sub-blog-topic-headings "why i'm reluctant to get a copy of Scott Lynch's The Lies of Locke Lamora", with some references on "why i was pissed when Virtuosity came out a while back" and "why Vellum kinda miffed me when it came out," among others.
but, like i said, i don't really feel like talking about that anymore.
instead, here's a link to the latest installment in the Monday Morning Monkey Show, or whatever it's called:
http://vanderworld.blogspot.com/
or
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfarPQcjlpY
blow your brains out.
7.7.06
Conceit Part 2
this isn't the continuation of Conceit Part 1 the post of this title was meant to be, but it's more than a bit of conceit nonetheless.
in a fit of self-doubt, i consulted a close friend of mine, who'd read my entry to the graphic/fic awards and whose comments were invaluable in improving the final version (the version i submitted) of the story no end, about what she REALLY thought about it.
here's what Chris Mariano had to say:
I really liked it. I thought you handled the material well, and I felt that you did great in creating a complex history that was still palatable to a new reader.
she denies sugar-coating it, even just a bit, and, needing the ego-feed, i'm taking her word for it. so there.
coming from her, who is, perhaps, more of a writer than i will ever be, despite her cynicism and reluctance to even attempt to be published (come on, Chris... you're doing us a disservice keeping your work from the public. cough it up.), that is a big-ass feather in my cap.
thanks Chris.
having re-read Generations again, i realize i really do love this story, wonky bits and all, and am reluctant to make the slightest re-write to it.
shame no one else will get to read it (and, consequently, love or hate it) just yet. rest assured, i intend to find other avenues to get my baby (and all the rest of them) out into the "real" world.
in a fit of self-doubt, i consulted a close friend of mine, who'd read my entry to the graphic/fic awards and whose comments were invaluable in improving the final version (the version i submitted) of the story no end, about what she REALLY thought about it.
here's what Chris Mariano had to say:
I really liked it. I thought you handled the material well, and I felt that you did great in creating a complex history that was still palatable to a new reader.
she denies sugar-coating it, even just a bit, and, needing the ego-feed, i'm taking her word for it. so there.
coming from her, who is, perhaps, more of a writer than i will ever be, despite her cynicism and reluctance to even attempt to be published (come on, Chris... you're doing us a disservice keeping your work from the public. cough it up.), that is a big-ass feather in my cap.
thanks Chris.
having re-read Generations again, i realize i really do love this story, wonky bits and all, and am reluctant to make the slightest re-write to it.
shame no one else will get to read it (and, consequently, love or hate it) just yet. rest assured, i intend to find other avenues to get my baby (and all the rest of them) out into the "real" world.
5.7.06
...!
so here it finally is, the list i have the unwelcome indistinction of not having a story on:
short list for the first Philippine Graphic/Fiction Awards.
cruddy christ in a crabcake. at least it isn't all crap.
get back to me in a day or two. i may be a tad more gracious with my comments.
short list for the first Philippine Graphic/Fiction Awards.
cruddy christ in a crabcake. at least it isn't all crap.
get back to me in a day or two. i may be a tad more gracious with my comments.
4.7.06
i hate monkeys...
...but this had me laughing out loud at my work station. at work. obviously. but that's just me.
http://vanderworld.blogspot.com
look under the july 3 entries, "The Monday Morning Monkey Show."
or go to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvMUyHmZOlI
Evil Monkey is a frequent guest on Jeff VanderMeer's blog. or maybe a hidden personality that manifests only on VanderWorld. or an alter ego.
it's hard to tell sometimes.
http://vanderworld.blogspot.com
look under the july 3 entries, "The Monday Morning Monkey Show."
or go to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvMUyHmZOlI
Evil Monkey is a frequent guest on Jeff VanderMeer's blog. or maybe a hidden personality that manifests only on VanderWorld. or an alter ego.
it's hard to tell sometimes.
2.7.06
Zen in Darkness
i’ve never won anything that’s really mattered to me. and it’s never mattered to me that i win anything.
then the first Philippine Graphic/Fiction Awards came around, and suddenly all that mattered was that i win, that i be acknowledged by my peers as someone with real talent, with ideas.
i set about writing the story i’d always wanted to write, that i simply never got around to before; a science fiction story, real science fiction, the kind about ideas and possibilities and imagination and what-ifs.
i had a clear picture of the story in my head, and i’ve had it for a long time: it would be about a humanity that so desperately wanted to escape the confines of the earth, the solar system, to reach the stars; about how mankind would evolve in the Void, into something barely recognizable as human; how mankind would become something else, something alien, and in that self-alienation, find out what it is to be human…
and i wrote it. after a few weeks (a record for me at the time) i finished the story. and when i laid down its final words, i thought it was the best material i’d ever written. and i turned my story in with pride, feeling i had a better than average chance of winning; at least, i thought, it would be good enough to see print in the anthology that i thought would no doubt result from the contest.
my story wasn’t even shortlisted for the award.
not to be too dramatic, but i was devastated. when i learned that the authors of the shortlisted stories had been contacted by the contest administrators, and i’d received no such call, i closed-up, locked myself up within myself, wanting nothing better than to throw away the key, to crawl under a rock forever.
i’d reread my story a couple weeks ago. i’d already started having my doubts then. rereading the story i’d thought was the best material i’d ever written, i realized what a load of crap that was. i was surprised at how i could even think anything so puerile and just plain wonky could be considered anybody’s best work. but i still liked it then, and still hoped it had a good chance of snagging the award for me.
in writing, i’d thought i’d found the one thing i was good at, the one thing i truly had a talent for, the one thing i thought i could be better at than anybody else… but i needed someone to agree with me. i needed others to see what i honestly thought i saw in myself. i needed someone to tell me i’d made the right decision, giving up the safety and security of my old life for this dream.
they didn’t. nobody did.
i hibernated in my self-loathing, and Mabel had to tend to me (patiently, oh so infinitely patiently… Mabel, my Angel) as though i were ailing, physically. that’s how bad it felt: like i’d suffered a blow so mortal, i never wanted to get out of bed, ever again.
i never wanted to write anything again.
but what could i do?
so i packed Audrey up, drove myself to a coffeeshop, and stared at a few paragraphs i’d written the week before.
i wrote a bit, and the few paragraphs that were little more than a description of a character whose name had popped into my head last week started to shape itself into a story. but i was by no means productive, and i barely got anywhere with the words. i went home, still dejected.
then something odd happened. something clicked in my head, just sort of fell into place. suddenly, i realized, i didn’t feel half so bad. i checked myself. it was true: i was ok.
that’s when it hit me.
it doesn’t really matter if i’m acknowledged by my peers. it doesn’t matter if other people think my writing is crap. i do, too, after all.
the fact is, i like my crap. and i absolutely LOVE writing, better than just about anything else.
writing is my zen. it always has been, it always will be. that’s what this is all about. it’s not about being talented, or gifted, or being better than anybody else. hell, i never really believed i was any of those things to begin with. it’s about doing the one thing i truly love doing; about being who i am.
i love my crap. i love writing my crap even better. i can only hope that, someday, someone will love it just a fraction as much as i do, because really, i love it so much that’s all it would take.
but even if they never do, this is who i am. this is what i love doing.
so this is who i’m going to be, what i’m going to do.
i’m a writer, and i will write.
*
i must be the luckiest guy alive, that i can do this, be this way, and still be loved by the most wonderful person i know, without whom my life will always be stale, no matter that i’m doing what i love.
Thanks, Mabel.
*
just so it's clear, none of this is to say that i no longer care to win such awards. on the contrary, winning still would have been a singular honor, and possibly the best thing that could have happened to me this year, in terms of my writing.
but, ah, such is life. and, though it goes against my entire being as doomsayer and all around pessimist, it's not the end of the world.
guess i must be growin' up summat.
so there.
then the first Philippine Graphic/Fiction Awards came around, and suddenly all that mattered was that i win, that i be acknowledged by my peers as someone with real talent, with ideas.
i set about writing the story i’d always wanted to write, that i simply never got around to before; a science fiction story, real science fiction, the kind about ideas and possibilities and imagination and what-ifs.
i had a clear picture of the story in my head, and i’ve had it for a long time: it would be about a humanity that so desperately wanted to escape the confines of the earth, the solar system, to reach the stars; about how mankind would evolve in the Void, into something barely recognizable as human; how mankind would become something else, something alien, and in that self-alienation, find out what it is to be human…
and i wrote it. after a few weeks (a record for me at the time) i finished the story. and when i laid down its final words, i thought it was the best material i’d ever written. and i turned my story in with pride, feeling i had a better than average chance of winning; at least, i thought, it would be good enough to see print in the anthology that i thought would no doubt result from the contest.
my story wasn’t even shortlisted for the award.
not to be too dramatic, but i was devastated. when i learned that the authors of the shortlisted stories had been contacted by the contest administrators, and i’d received no such call, i closed-up, locked myself up within myself, wanting nothing better than to throw away the key, to crawl under a rock forever.
i’d reread my story a couple weeks ago. i’d already started having my doubts then. rereading the story i’d thought was the best material i’d ever written, i realized what a load of crap that was. i was surprised at how i could even think anything so puerile and just plain wonky could be considered anybody’s best work. but i still liked it then, and still hoped it had a good chance of snagging the award for me.
in writing, i’d thought i’d found the one thing i was good at, the one thing i truly had a talent for, the one thing i thought i could be better at than anybody else… but i needed someone to agree with me. i needed others to see what i honestly thought i saw in myself. i needed someone to tell me i’d made the right decision, giving up the safety and security of my old life for this dream.
they didn’t. nobody did.
i hibernated in my self-loathing, and Mabel had to tend to me (patiently, oh so infinitely patiently… Mabel, my Angel) as though i were ailing, physically. that’s how bad it felt: like i’d suffered a blow so mortal, i never wanted to get out of bed, ever again.
i never wanted to write anything again.
but what could i do?
so i packed Audrey up, drove myself to a coffeeshop, and stared at a few paragraphs i’d written the week before.
i wrote a bit, and the few paragraphs that were little more than a description of a character whose name had popped into my head last week started to shape itself into a story. but i was by no means productive, and i barely got anywhere with the words. i went home, still dejected.
then something odd happened. something clicked in my head, just sort of fell into place. suddenly, i realized, i didn’t feel half so bad. i checked myself. it was true: i was ok.
that’s when it hit me.
it doesn’t really matter if i’m acknowledged by my peers. it doesn’t matter if other people think my writing is crap. i do, too, after all.
the fact is, i like my crap. and i absolutely LOVE writing, better than just about anything else.
writing is my zen. it always has been, it always will be. that’s what this is all about. it’s not about being talented, or gifted, or being better than anybody else. hell, i never really believed i was any of those things to begin with. it’s about doing the one thing i truly love doing; about being who i am.
i love my crap. i love writing my crap even better. i can only hope that, someday, someone will love it just a fraction as much as i do, because really, i love it so much that’s all it would take.
but even if they never do, this is who i am. this is what i love doing.
so this is who i’m going to be, what i’m going to do.
i’m a writer, and i will write.
*
i must be the luckiest guy alive, that i can do this, be this way, and still be loved by the most wonderful person i know, without whom my life will always be stale, no matter that i’m doing what i love.
Thanks, Mabel.
*
just so it's clear, none of this is to say that i no longer care to win such awards. on the contrary, winning still would have been a singular honor, and possibly the best thing that could have happened to me this year, in terms of my writing.
but, ah, such is life. and, though it goes against my entire being as doomsayer and all around pessimist, it's not the end of the world.
guess i must be growin' up summat.
so there.
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