un long dimanche de fiancailles (20th of January, Year of our Lord 2007)

on an unusually personal note:



she said yes, by the way.

it was, quite possibly, the saddest happiest moment in my entire life.


i haven't left yet, but already i'm aching to come home.

Out of the chaos of my doubt
And the chaos of my art
I turn to you inevitably
As the needle to the pole
Turns . . . as the cold brain to the soul
Turns in its uncertainty;

So I turn and long for you;
So I long for you, and turn
To the love that through my chaos
Burns a truth,
And lights my path.

-Out of the chaos of my doubt by Mervyn Peake

and, as we must often be reminded:

The vastest things are those we may not learn.
We are not taught to die, nor to be born,
Nor how to burn
With love.
How pitiful is our enforced return
To those small things we are the masters of.

-The vastest things are those we may not learn, again, by M. Peake

'We're paratroopers...we're supposed to be surrounded.'

at every stage of the process, every email you receive, every document you print out, every contract you sign, it comes to you how real everything is, how it's almost time to pack your bags and leave the life you've grown accustomed to, the joy you've at last found, for something ostensibly 'better'.

so i immerse myself in other, more comfortable things. i can't help but feel it's an escapism worthy of M. John Harrison's most biting criticism.

Band of Brothers, among other things, features an interesting approach to narrative; deadpan, unnervingly sincere--the cinematic storytelling equivalent of hyperrealism...until, that is, the rather ordinary ep 7, aptly titled The Breaking Point. there's something disingenuous about the ep, the jarring insertion of standard hollywood movie elements: the rather superfluous plot-threading voice-over; the action movie heroism; the rote morality of 'just desserts'. after the quiet, brilliantly realized Crossroads and Bastogne, that the comparatively commercial approach works at all is a testament to the story being told; the real life heroes being paid tribute. that there appear to be some metafictional undertones to the ep, a subtle comment on the nature and uses of 'stories' in the 'hyperreality' of a world at war, is a bonus.

of course, Band of Brothers isn't about any of that, meant neither for the pretentious parsing and nitpicking of a hack, nor the escapism of a pathetically untalented grunt hedging at the inevitable arrival of the future; there is, however, an unmistakable romanticism to it all that, at this point in my life, i can't help but find unnervingly appealing.

Mayhem

this just in, from a friend of mine, Dr Hermie Saludes:

hi folks,,,

project mayhem will play
on
january 20, 2007
at the
conspiracy bar, visayas ave
across shell
8pm onwards

along with

love suicide
script kiddie
star castle and
aroma

hope to see you there !!!

thanks

> drs saludes/delarosa/florendo/lao

just so you know, this isn't them.

if the name sounds familiar, it may be that a) Fight Club made an impression on you; b) you participated in this initiative; c) you've been keeping up with this blog and read about them here:

Dr. Hermi Saludes of Project Mayhem describes their sound as "Fusion.. Like, Razorback with U2 and RHCP undertones with a black Francis M on vocals." the band consists completely of MDs. you can find them on the web at project_mayhem_md@yahoo.com.ph.

*

Meanwhile, Jeff Vandermeer makes these observations over on his blog:

Perhaps more depressingly, there have been whole issues of publications which feel like dead weight, where the stories are inert and lifeless. Going through the motions. Writing from a plot spine and just draping papermache over the skeleton and hoping no one will notice the creature isn't alive.When there is nothing personal or at stake for the writer in the story, there often is nothing personal or at stake for the reader. But this is not just the responsibility of the writer. It's the responsibility of the editor. The fact is, there are few enough stories in any year that really needed to be published, needed to be read, and will survive in the public imagination for more than a few hours or months.

i don't read even a small fraction of the number of anthologies i should, though i recently read the entire first issue of the Digest of Philippine Genre Stories in one go. while i like some stories more than others (as can only be expected), am uncertain about which of these stories 'really needed to be published'--particularly in this digest--and there is a definite drift towards horror in this particular issue that seems a disservice to the other subgenres (this may be more a reflection of the kind of writing going on hereabouts than Kenneth's editing and direction for the digest), i think Kenneth Yu is in the right headspace for all this, despite what others may say, and wish him luck with the publication.

yes, i do have a bit of a stake in this as Kenneth will be publishing one of my stories in the next issue, but it's more than that, as i personally find my own future with the digest a bit iffy.

read the digest, get a feel for the stories, what they may or may not say about genres and *the* genres, and let Kenneth know what you think.

Simon Ings

utterly brilliant.

i'm currently reading The Weight of Numbers. at a snail's pace: long marathon stretches and short sprinty bursts of reading, spaced over days. which seems the wrong way to read this particular book, and as good a way as any.

i hope i can get around to writing a real time review (haven't been in the proper headspace for those in a while), but i do mention all this here to drop this link:

http://www.fisheye.demon.co.uk/

which is as good a place as any to start.

Fire

the city skyline hides all but the occasional high-alt burst from my line of sight, but i like watching the sky light up with their belligerent colors; their silence is eerie, but the illusion of peace is remarkable in its beauty.

kinda makes me want to watch Band of Brothers again...

That night, I thanked God for seeing me through that day of days and prayed I would make it through D plus 1. I also promised that if some way I could get home again, I would find a nice peaceful town and spend the rest of my life in peace.

-Richard Winters, Band of Brothers

Though you may rule the world, I wil rule the universe

taking on this part-time thing for my old company has me swamped, but it would be so unlike me not to take advantage of the ol' office broadband to take even just the quickest li'l breather, if only to say this:

at last, on the spinner: STRAPPING YOUNG LAD - THE NEW BLACK!!!

(also, with all sorts of other crap, including samples from their other albums, here: http://www.myspace.com/strappingyounglad.)

Know that the music industry's ill,
AND WE'RE THE FUCKING ANTIDOTE

and

Oh, you ironic pop-rock FUCK
DON'T YOU FUCK WITH METAL

-bits from FAR BEYOND METAL.

this album also contains my current best ever moment in metal: the get-down boogie instrumental bit complete with trombone and woodwinds on ANTI PRODUCT, possibly the coolest metal song ever:

I am the Anti product, quantum mechanically pure
Now you will show me, be automatic, we must be perfectly sure
Sell me, tell me I'm the chosen one

-ANTI PRODUCT

all sorts of fun tongue-in-cheek and not-in-cheek-at-all cheekiness, all delivered in glorious, full-color minor-key chromatic hyper-distorted industrial-strength mathematical-precision self-replicating self-deprecating rage!

Tell me how much we fuckin' suck
HELL YEAH YOU FUCKING SUCK!!!
Hell yeah we fucking suck,
Hell YEAH we fucking suck

-YOU SUCK

complete with 'sell-out' commercial-grade corp-rock-worthy guest performances by Oderus Urungus and Bif Naked.

if there is anything for which the boys from Canada are to be blamed, it's putting me off most other metal.

*

in other music news, there's this:

http://showbizandstyle.inquirer.net/entertainment/entertainment/view_article.php?article_id=42335

which had me wondering, has House become so influential that doctors are actually encouraged to 'speculate' about such things? until, that is, i read this, which went some way in explaining everything:

“His doctors believe his heart was no longer functioning properly then,” Cabuhat recalled. “Still, he finished that show in Laguna.” The gig ended early, around 7:30 p.m., but Buendia had another appointment. “He was on his way to a meeting when he complained that he was in pain.”

whatever the eventual outcome of all this (and one must always hope, of course, for the best), this, to my mind, only helps to consolidate the legend of Ely Buendia.

but it isn't all over yet:

http://showbizandstyle.inquirer.net/entertainment/entertainment/view_article.php?article_id=42572

it would appear that the skies over this year insist on remaining oppressively, unapologetically grey...

experimental rant: A.N.A.R.C.H.Y.

I think people have to be very careful how they define things, these days especially. If you buy an ideological package, and pursue it, you have to expect that there are other people in the world who say: 'Well, that's great. I hope you get what you want, but I'm afraid you'll have to count me out.'

I think that's something we're all going to learn in the early part of the next century. If everybody's free, everybody can say no - it's as simple as that. Everyone can say yes but everyone can say no...We don't have to buy an ideological picture. I've always been anti-ideology and pro-personal choice. To the extent that we can be non-ideological, we could argue over that for a billion years.

I think you should float about for 20 years, and after 20 years you should have some ideas of your own; even if...they're only picked and mixed. They should, with modifications due to catastrophes that occur to you, be your own ideas, which you try to forge through the world with.

-The Edge Interviews: M. John Harrison

(here: http://www.theedge.abelgratis.co.uk/harrisoniview.htm)

i'm well over 'floating about for 20 years' now and honestly i still think i'm pretty much 'floating about'. for shame.

however, if you *had* to pin me down, i'd say pin me down as an 'ideological anarchist', much as Mr Harrison describes above.

so with that, i am initiating this blog's first ever (arguably) politically-oriented full-throttle rant.

ahem. right.

to be as true to the term *ideological* anarchist as possible (sticking to my guns, so to speak), i hold no 'authority' (not even Wikipedia or The Daily Show!) sacred for this rant: ergo, i do no research for this post; i know next to nothing about anarchism (ha! can you imagine how much fun it's going to be tearing the crap i'm about to say down?), save only its most basic underlying philosophy: authorities--'bad'; freedom--'good'. for admittedly variable substitutive arguably substantive values for the terms 'bad' and 'good'. (more on this later. unless i forget.)

the 'absolute fatalism' implied by 'anarchism' to my mind appeals oodles to my personal sensibilities. a basic assumption that *seems* to underly anarchism in 'conventionally idealistic minds' (i would assume; again i don't *know*, because that isn't the point. i'm just playing here; don't expect to actually *learn* anything true from me. if you want truth, watch The Daily Show or click over to Wikipedia) is that 'man is basically good'; ergo, an ungoverned society will eventually stabilize into a sort of utopia. hmm. sounds iffy given what we know of human nature, dunnit? anarchists think so, too: hence all the squabbling between anarchist factions and subfactions and subsubfactions and subsubsub...to 'structure' the 'ideal' anarchist society...

anyway...in this sense, 'compulsory governments' or just about any sort of 'authoritarian/authority-based system' (i include here institutionalized faiths) provide structures that are either redundant or, worse, prevent the expression of this oh-so-ultimate-goodness in mankind by providing a template for undesireable tribalism: in unity there is strength, i.e., exponentially augmented killing power, with any number of ideological rationalizations supporting the *use* of that power.

am i confessing my undying optimism for the human race, then, by throwing my lot in with anarchy? not at all. the opposite extreme implied by the philosophy also appeals much more oodles to me, and seems much more plausible: that the human race is the *opposite* of 'basically good'. in which case, authority-based systems merely: a) magnify the not-basically-goodness of the human race; b) prolong the entropic progression of the species...in short, 'we're all fucked anyway'; c) fuck with the natural order of things by perpetuating a species that should have died off long ago if Darwinian Laws were properly respected.

of course in such cases, i'd be the first to go, but that's not the point. do i *really* believe in any of this? hmm...well, if you don't expect me to join the next anarchist's rally if i say 'yes', then yeah, sure; why not? do i think this is the *whole truth*? absolutely not; that's why i'm an *ideological* anarchist: i hold no ideology sacred, not even my own, except when i feel like holding it sacred, and which ideologies can be complicated and/or oversimplistic but admittedly usually pretty dumb as suits my momentary temperament. and if you expect me to actually be politically *active*...good god have you learned *nothing* from any of my previous rants?!? why do you think i even *have* a blog? it certainly isn't to hit the streets...

so what is the point of all this mind-bogglingly mind-numbing pap? simply this: i hate authorities. well, *hate* is such a harsh term; i'm really too mild-mannered for that and i *do* tend to be forgiving of individual humans *in particular*, no matter how harsh i can be on the human race *in general*.

but coming from a country where the sight of a policeman on the corner brings shivers rather than comfort, i don't think it's all too surprising an opinion for me to harbor.



besides, i just got my driving license taken away. fuckit. my fault entirely, but still.

grumble grumble.

between years

this would have come sooner, but being confined to dial-up has me lazier than usual with my posts:

Towards the end of things, someone asked Micheal Kearney, 'How do you see yourself spending the first minute of the new millennium?'

'Driving someone else's car between two cities I don't know.'

-bits from the first chapter of Light by M. John Harrison.

it wasn't quite the 'first minute of the new millennium' (depending, i suppose, on what calendar you use); it wasn't even the first minute of the new year. it wasn't quite between 'two cities I don't know', either.

but it was definitely towards the end of things, which, in the sense of Light, is really only the beginning.

a happy new arguably-arbitrarily-established mostly-consensually-defined temporal unit to everyone!